S T O R I E S

Apparently, now, a wireless headset for cows will funnel sounds directly into the bovine's ear to guide its movement. Powered by a small solar energy panel, the unit contains a Global Positioning System device to monitor the cow's movement and geographical location.

The system is designed to let the cowboy, instead of saddling up, log onto a computer and move his cattle around to better pastures by voice commands.

It gives new meaning to being a "cow whisperer" as he croons to his cattle to move them in a specified direction. I wonder if he would be required to wear his chinks or chaps to the office.

The first field test for the device is scheduled for later this month on the Jornada Experimental Range in southern New Mexico.

And, as the Associated Press article pointed out, this system has an added benefit by offering "eye-friendly vistas with no fences" because the technology keeps the cattle within a "virtual paddock."

It seems to me that the open-range concept was tried back in the 1800s before Glidden got rich making barbed wire.

This could reopen an entire profession that has mostly died out: the borrowing of cattle and redesigning of brands. It has also been mentioned that the sleight-of-brand business could be furthered by simply hacking into a computer and "walking" the cattle right into a waiting trailer.

When I finished laughing at all this, and that took a couple weeks, I continued to argue with the logic. Having tried any number of verbal and acoustic experiments with moving cattle myself, I'm on the doubtful side of this deal.

I also have a concern that, should this be a success, a good bit of our verbal skills as cowboys would be lost. Most of my colorful speech pattern evolved while trying to move cattle around.

Of course, I've long been aware that the way one catches a rabbit is to make a sound like a carrot. What sort of sound do cottonseed cake cubes make?

It is my understanding that dolphins communicate well with sonar-like sounds, so maybe we should send Air Force One to fly in a few to serve as consultants.

The project suggests identifying the leaders in a herd and outfitting them with the device so they can lead the other cattle.

By experience, I can tell you that the one that becomes the leader is most often the rebel or the pink-eyed blind one, and they indeed, always lead the others in exactly the opposite intended direction.

You can be driving 10,000 cattle one direction and one, just one, will turn and head the other way. Every one of the remaining 9,999 will follow, usually at top speed.

Who needs to make this stuff up when we have the government for inspiration? However, on the upside, I have had several ranch wives inquire if the device might work on their husbands. I can hear Roy and Dale in the background crooning "Don't fence me in."

Yee haw, get along little doggies. Control, alt, delete.