By Dennis M. Mitchell, QEP, CPA

Punxsutawney Phil has been a huge economic benefit to the small Pennsylvania town. And for what? This beast takes no real risk, does the same thing every year and gets credit for local weather situations which he has no idea about and could care less. So some of us down in Laurel Hill, Florida have decided to go this tradition one better.

We hear a lot of claptrap about global warming and essentially no matter what the data actually says, the overly sensitive and otherwise unemployable always claim that each year is the hottest because of carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide, being an absolute requirement for life on this planet to go on, has been given bad press by a bunch of old fogey lawyers in black robes that have officially dubbed it as a pollutant in spite of the scientific evidence. So, our brilliant politicians and fat-cat bureaucrats have devised a fix for something that doesn’t exist and even if it did, carbon dioxide has zero chance of being the cure. In the process, these misguided do-gooders have squashed flat what had been the greatest economy in the history of the world. This economic squashing is what has generated a concept that could change the dynamic.

Many towns and cities are economically depressed because of the policies being driven by climate magicians who have managed to be wrong every year since the modern form of climate modeling ignited from adding copious amounts of flammable tax dollars. Why keep pouring the gold of the kingdom down that same rat hole? No offense intended toward Phil being in the rodent clan.

Following in what had always been the hallmark of free Americans, hopefully the Laurel Hill, Florida area will attempt to create some small economic recovery by developing a festival to celebrate a creature who , as legend has it, has the mysterious ability to predict whether the climate will warm or cool globally each year. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the lovable armadillo has great supernatural powers yet to be fully recognized or understood. The process should begin with the school children who each , in a 4-H like fashion, will seek out, care for, and nurture one of these beasts to present for a selection ceremony. This capitalistic enterprise can build personal responsibility into the children! The winning animal will represent armadillos around the world as the chosen one for the global warming determination.

The initial shelled climatologist will carry the old native American name “Eye-pee-cee-cee, The First”. Each year , a successor will be chosen. The whole town will turn out each Ides of March to learn if global temperatures are going up or going down. There will be food vendors and street entertainment, a marching band and gaiety will abound. Could we hope the Weather Channel would provide coverage?

Each year after a day of revelry, precisely at 4:00 PM, the current and reigning Eye-pee-cee-cee will be released on to Highway 85. If the armored prognosticator is swift and crosses the pavement without bodily harm, we will have continued reporting of ever increasing global temperatures. However, if the mystical creature fails to dodge speeding log trucks, then the world will cool accordingly. It’s at least as good a method as any climate model I’ve seen.

Not only will we have just as accurate forecasting of the climate as with the climate models currently in favor by the UN and the EPA, we will be able to substantially cut the cost of government by eliminating all of the billions upon billions of dollars spent on bumbling bureaucrats and research that seems to have the answer before the data is collected….heck, sometimes, they get the answer in spite of the data.

So, y’all come on down to Laurel Hill next Ides of March and have a corn dog, some root beer, and get the latest reports on the world climate. Who knows, maybe they will make a movie about it! You just might be able to get a job as an extra in “Armadillo Day”.
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Dennis Mitchell is certified as a Qualified Environmental Professional (QEP) by the Institute of Professional Environmental Practice (IPEP) and is presently the chair of Ethics Committee for IPEP. He was a recipient of the Lifetime Honorary Award from the International Air & Waste Management Association in 2001. He was chair of the Climate Change Panel at the 104th International A&WMA Conference. He has been a member of Louisiana Society of CPA’s since 1985 and retired from Troy University where he taught both in both science and accounting.