The Map

by JIM BEERS

“I should have seen it coming.” Robert Redford in “The Natural”.

Yesterday was a very busy one for me. Supper was one of my quickie favorite meals of kielbasa and sauerkraut. Then I dashed off to a meeting that went to 9 PM. As my colleagues and I conversed after the meeting, I had a Diet Coke and then drove home through a windy rain/sleet/snow storm that was a full-fledged blizzard North and West of me. As I crawled into bed, my fatigue and the gas roiling my stomach (sauerkraut plus coke) brought sleep quickly despite my busy thoughts and noticeable discomfort. Was it any wonder that I would dream?

I found myself suddenly walking through the glass doors of a fancy and expensive office complex high in a modern, urban office building. The glass doors and the glass side panels were decorated with trees and animals interspersed with the names of the staff encased in initials and phrases like LL.B., LL.D., J.S.D., Ph.D., D.V.M., Atty, Dr., M.S., Esq., “The Honorable”, and “Retired US Senator”. The attractive receptionist looked up and said, “You’re early for the Seminar. Please be seated and as soon as they get the Board Room ready you can go in.”
As I sat down in the large reception room and began opening the book I had with me, I noticed the far wall and saw what appeared to be a very large and garish modern art painting. Although I found it exceedingly ugly, I noticed that there were horizontal, wooden rods above it and a sort of control panel of electronic buttons alongside it with small identification tags next to each button. Below the painting was some sort of Legend like you might find with a map showing each color on the map with a few words next to each color. There were many colors. Suddenly, it struck me that the “painting” was actually one of those western “square” or “rectangular” states and all those colors were identifying things. Try as I could, my mind in the dream was unable to identify the state. I couldn’t seem to help myself as I got up and crossed the room to see what this strange “thing” was.

Upon closer examination, the colors were all divided by fine lines on the painting and none seemed to run together. My mind, that could not identify the state (something that should have been second-nature for me) seemed to be aware of the names of the colors on the legend (something I have no real knowledge of or experience with) as I looked down at them. Here is what I saw.

The Magenta color denoted “National Forest Lands”.
The Brown color denoted “National Park Service Lands”.
The Dark Blue color denoted “National Wildlife Refuge Lands”.
The Light Green color denoted “Bureau of Land Management Lands”.
The Puce color denoted the “Bureau of Reclamation Lands”.
The Olive Green color denoted “US Army Corps of Engineer Lands”.
The Light Yellow color denoted “US Defense Department Lands”.
The Wheat crosshatching color denoted “Potential Surplus Defense Department Lands”
The Papaya Whip color denoted “Private Property Suitable for Defense Department Expansions”.
The Pink color denoted “Indian Reservations”
The Charcoal color denoted “State Wildlife Areas Being Converted to Native Ecosystem Research Units”.
The Khaki color denoted “Lands Owned by The Nature Conservancy”.
The Ivory color denoted “Remaining Private Property In holdings On Federal Lands”.
The Lavender color denoted “Lands Under Federal Agency Easements”.
The Salmon color denoted “Lands Under The Nature Conservancy Easements”.
The White Smoke color denoted “Private Property in the Process of Acquisition or Easement by TNC”.
The Maroon color denoted “Private Property Owned by Contributors and Cooperators”.
The Purple color denoted “Lands Under Easement to TNC Subsidiary Trust Front-Organizations”.
The Moccasin color denoted “State Lands Closed to All But Walk-In Access”.
The Medium Violet Red color denoted “Small Towns, Suburbs, Business Areas, and Penitentiaries”.
The Teal color denoted “Medium and Large Urban Areas - To Remain”.
The Steel Blue color denoted “Unprotected Private Property (L=Livestock, F= Farms, R=Residential)”

Then, at the bottom, it said, “See Buttons To Right For Overlays”.

I moved to the right and there were 5 buttons, each with a small metal name tag next to it. I pushed the first button labeled “Endangered Species”.

A clear screen-like overlay attached to the lowest rod above the map descended slowly and stopped in front of the map. Like the map it was colorful but with fewer colors and less of the map colored. The Legend explaining the colors on the overlay read as follows:

The Thistle color denoted “Currently Authorized and Designated Critical Habitats”.
The Powder Blue color denoted “Proposed Critical Habitat Additions for Listed Species”.
The Rosy Brown color denoted “Proposed Critical Habitat for Proposed Endangered Species”.
The Navy Blue color denoted “Legally Justified but As Yet Undesignated Critical Habitats for Listed and Proposed Endangered Species and Threatened Species”.
The Lime Green color denoted “Potential Critical Habitats for Potential Endangered Species, (M=Mammal, B=Bird, F=Fish, I=Insect, R=Reptile, and P=Plant). See Classified Report # 27.”
The Hot Pink color denoted “Areas Where Endangered Species/Hunting, Fishing, Trapping/Grazing/Logging Conflicts Exist and Crosshatching Denotes Areas of Conflicts for Courts To Resolve”.
The Sea Shell color denoted “Politically Sensitive Areas. See TNC Staff; Senator 9; Congressman 3; Bureaucrat J; or Czar 1”.
The Black Spots denoted “Current Wolf Manifestations Updated as of 3-19-11”.
The Beige Spots denoted “Current Grizzly Bear Incidents Updated as of 3-12-11”.

I looked at the next button and it was labeled “Protected Areas”. I pushed it and it came down as the Endangered Species overlay quietly went back up. Unlike the first overlay, this one had larger colored areas and fewer colors. Its Legend read:

The Slate Grey color denoted “Designated Wilderness Areas “.
The Honeydew color denoted “Proposed and Potential Wilderness Areas”.
The Lemon Chiffon color denoted “Areas Where Grazing Allotments Have Been Eliminated”.
The Fire Brick color denoted “Areas Where Logging Has Been Eliminated”.
The Cyan color denoted “Designated Roadless Areas”.
The Gainsboro color denoted “Proposed and Potential Roadless Areas”.
The Maroon color denoted “Areas Subject to Vehicular and Pedestrian Access Licensing Charges, Suitability Testing, and Permit Restrictions”.
The Dark Violet color denoted “Designated Archeological Sensitive Areas”.
The Royal Blue color denoted “Designated Ecologically Sensitive Riparian Areas”.
The Dim Grey color identified “ Designated and Potential (Crosshatched) Historic Sites”.
The Alice Blue color denoted “Registered Native Ecosystem Research and Study Areas”.
The Dodge Blue color denoted “Designated Wild and Scenic River with ¼-mile Setback Authority”.
The Pale Green color with crosshatching denoted “Areas Where Hunting, Fishing, Trapping, and Wildlife Management Have Been Eliminated By Access Restriction, Easement Restriction, or Federal Regulation. See Classified Report # 14.”

I looked at the third button and its label, “Energy”. I pushed it and watched it replace the disappearing “Protected Areas” overlay. The Energy overlay was simpler yet. There were several large colored areas with many green and bright orange slashes and rectangles all over the overlay. Its Legend read:
The Black color denoted “Coal”.
The Light Grey color denoted “Natural Gas”.
The Burlywood color denoted “Oil”.
The Forest Green slashes and rectangles denoted “Energy Access Blocked. See Classified Report #7.”
The Bright Orange slashes and rectangles denoted “High Priority Energy Access Targets. See Classified Report #21.
The Pale Turquoise color denoted “Future Wind Turbine Farms”.
The Peach Puff color denoted “Future Solar Panel/Mirror Fields”.

The fourth button was labeled “Proposals”. I pushed and as it descended I saw several large octopus-shaped colored areas on the overlay. I looked at the Legend and saw:
The Indigo color denoted “Free-Roaming Buffalo Proposal #6”.
The Misty Rose color denoted “Native Watershed Ecosystem Renewal Project”.
The Yellow Green color denoted “Cooperative Private Property Rights Combination Ecosystem Renovation”.
The Tomato color denoted “Cattle to Buffalo/Tame Rice to Wild Rice Agricultural and Dietary Conversion Program - Private Properties”.
The Sandy Brown color denoted the “No Lethal Controls/No Guns Demonstration Area. See Classified Report /Proposal # NG 3. Contact Washington Lobbyist B”.

The fifth button was labeled “Cooperating Partners”. I pushed this final button with a sense of dread. As it descended I saw large and small color splotches that, like the original map, covered every nook and cranny of the state. The Legend read:
The Saddle Brown color denoted “Yukon to Yucatan Priority Designations. See Senators 47, 19, and 11; Congressmen 4 through 78; Bureaucrats G and R; and Czar 12”.
The Silver color denoted “Wildlands Priority Acquisitions. See Senators 7, 9, 22, and 37; and Congressmen 3 through 43; and Czars 2, 4, and 7”.
The Goldenrod color denoted “Properties of Concern to Agenda 21 Administrators. See Senator 1; Congressman 3; Bureaucrats Q and W; and Czar 2.”
The Sea Green color denoted “Future UN Designated Habitats, Wetlands, and Historic Sites of International Significance. See US Senators 2, 6, 7 through 15, 26, and 37; Bureaucrat N; and Czar 3”.
The Dark Violet spots denoted “Locations of Important Cooperators and Sponsors. PPI=Powerful Private Individual, STPB=State Politician or Bureaucrat, FB=Federal Bureaucrat, S=US Senator, C=Federal Congressman, CZ=White House Cooperator, EAR=Environmental/Animal Rights Worker.)
The Plum color denoted “Future New National Wildlife Refuges. See TNC Staff; Senators 9 and 14; Congressmen 1 through 9 and 22; Bureaucrats M and T; and Czar 6”.
The Linen color denoted “Future New National Parks. See TNC Staff; Senators 11 through 31, 42, 44; Congressmen 1 through 107; Bureaucrats C, F, and P; and Czars 1 and 5”.
The Pale Violet Red color denoted “Future New National Forests. See TNC Staff; Senators 5 through 19; Congressmen 17 through 76; Bureaucrat X; and Czar 11”.
The Cornflower Blue color denoted “BLM Lands Being Reclassified as No-Management/No-Use Protected Areas Using Various Authorities. See Senator 2; Congressmen 3 and 7; Bureaucrat W; Czar 3; and Washington Lobbyists K and U”.
The Fuchsia color denoted “Lesser Scenic Areas, Scenic Rivers, Historic Sites, Scenic Byways, Wetlands, Lowlands, Highlands, and Native Habitat Priorities (Maps and Breakdowns Available in Seminars to Previously Approved Supporters) Suitable for Opportunistic Acquisition but Otherwise to Continue in Private Ownership Until Final Acquisitions at The End. See TNC Staff or Any Designated Senator, Congressman, Bureaucrat, or Czar for Further Information.”

I slowly reread those words, “The End” and pushed the button that slowly made it disappear back into the wall. As I stood there in shock, the receptionist exclaimed, “Isn’t it wonderful!”

My legs felt wobbly as I walked over to her and said I may be in the wrong place. She asked my name and when I said “Jim Beers” she took out a long list of names on many sheets and asked if I had paid my $1700 Seminar Fee as she ran her fingers through the “B’s”. When she said that she didn’t see my name, I noticed the Title of the Seminar at the top of the sheet: it read “How to Westernize the United States of America”.

I turned to flee but suddenly I awoke. I got up and got a drink of water and sat for awhile as I calmed down and looked out at a rising moon over a snowy landscape. Then I noticed that the gas and discomfort from the sauerkraut and coke were gone and that I actually felt pretty good. The nightmare was over and as I went back to bed I thanked the Lord for letting me go on for another day. I promised myself to never again mix sauerkraut and coke and to do all I can to put that map and all those overlays back to one color denoting “Private Property, Free American Families”.

Jim Beers
24 March 2011

This article and other articles written by Jim Beers since January 2009 can
be found at http://jimbeers7.blogster.com (Jim Beers Uncommon Sense)

Articles by Jim Beers written from March 2006 to January 2009 can be found
at http://jimbeers.blogster.com (Jim Beers Common Sense)

Jim Beers is a retired US Fish & Wildlife Service Wildlife Biologist, Special Agent, Refuge Manager, Wetlands Biologist, and Congressional Fellow. He was stationed in North Dakota, Minnesota, Nebraska, New York City, and Washington DC. He also served as a US Navy Line Officer in the western Pacific and on Adak, Alaska in the Aleutian Islands. He has worked for the Utah Fish & Game, Minneapolis Police Department, and as a Security Supervisor in Washington, DC. He testified three times before Congress; twice regarding the theft by the US Fish & Wildlife Service of $45 to 60 Million from State fish and wildlife funds and once in opposition to expanding Federal Invasive Species authority. He resides in Eagan, Minnesota with his wife of many decades.

Jim Beers is available to speak or for consulting at jimbeers7@comcast.net

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